How to Become a Great Lover

Dear Dr. Doug, I wasn't sure if wives should write in, but I need help. How can I make suggestions about our lovemaking without my husband getting defensive or losing his arousal? Why does he take everything as personal criticism?

A Confused and Turned-off Wife

Dear Confused:

Men have this huge need to be competent, and we live with the myth, "Men know all about sex." I mean, where would we gain this expertise? The locker room is hardly a fount of knowledge.

Guys, the fact of the matter is that real men ask their wives to coach them in what feels best. We shouldn't react like we've lost face or fear we've embarrassed ourselves. Instead, we should realize that God is teaching us to be a great lover through our wives' personal instruction.

Here are three things that you could ask your wife to do to make her coaching more effective: (1) Reserve major coaching--styles of lovemaking, hygiene issues and turnoffs--for when you are fully clothed and can lovingly discuss things; (2) With suggestions and criticisms, ask her to also include affirmations and praise--e.g. "A little more gentle, stud" seems to help the male ego take the suggestion better; (3) If an activity or part of the body is uncomfortable in a given lovemaking session, then she can suggest an alternative that would feel arousing or sensual.

Dear Dr. Doug,

I have made some really poor sexual choices recently. My question: Why do I get to a place where nothing matters, and I act out sexually regardless of rational reasoning and my faith? I have really prayed for deliverance from this sin but keep falling.

Hopeless in Memphis

Dear Hopeless:

In dealing with sexual addiction, we call what you have described "the trance" or "the zone." This is a place where you have gone so far in romancing the behavior and making provision to act out that it would take a barrel of ice water in the face to stop you. You need to start making better pre-zone decisions.

One angry client told me that God had let him down because He promised to never allow temptation that we could not handle and would provide a way of escape (see 1 Cor. 10:13). We went over the last incident of buying porn on his way home from work and came up with four different times during the day that God provided pre-zone escapes: (1) He skipped his morning stress-relieving workout; (2) His buddy came to mind, but he never called him; (3) A huge project needed his focus, but he wasted time fantasizing; (4) He neglected to call his wife before leaving work.

In temptation, the sooner you run away or resist, the better. Allow God to help you mobilize accountability and make those choices that will keep you out of the irrational "zone."

Dear Dr. Doug,

My fiancée has herpes. I have forgiven her sexual past as I know her heavenly Father has. I'm still really having trouble with this. Please help!

Unable to Adjust

Dear Unable:

Herpes is not health threatening but the truth is that you will probably contract it. Get some good medical information on prevention and how to minimize its effects.

The deeper issue is not seeing your partner as damaged goods. God can give you a gracious forgiveness that separates sin and sinner. She has dreaded telling her future mate, and you are a part of her experiencing forgiveness. Remember that she is going to deal with your baggage too. God is using your relationship to bring both of you to new levels of spiritual maturity and inner healing. NM

Doug Rosenau is a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist in Atlanta, and is the author of A Celebration of Sex. Visit his Web site at sexualwholeness.com.