Break Down the Barriers - New Man eMagazine

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Break Down the Barriers
With God's help you can remove anything that is keeping you from being sexually successful.

While helping men in the last 15 years to become sexually successful, I have found that there are four major barriers that keep them from having the best sex of their lives. If one of these barriers is keeping you from sexual success, you can identify it now and begin moving forward.

1. Sexual Addiction. By far this is the leading barrier that keeps men from having the best sex of their lives. Someone who repeatedly has self-sex (masturbation), which usually involves fantasy and pornography, splits his neuropathic (chemical) reward in his brain between reality and unreality.

This keeps him less satisfied with the sex that he is experiencing with his wife. This also conditions him to practice disconnected sex with his wife. Sexual addiction can be dealt with through support groups, accountability and sometimes therapy. Whatever you do, don't try to go it alone; you can't remove this barrier on your own.

2. Sexual Abuse. Approximately one out of every six men has been a victim of sexual abuse. A survivor of sexual abuse can react in many different ways: Some men become hypersexual. Others become addicted to alcohol, drugs or work. Still others become depressed or addicted to rage.

Sexual trauma may also cause a man not to trust people. For instance, if the perpetrator was male, a victim might feel uncomfortable opening up to another man, lest he become a victim again; if the perpetrator was female, many guys just convince themselves that they "got lucky," when in reality, they were used as an object and discarded.

After the secret is out in the open, the victim will have to begin to treat the pent up anger as well as other symptoms.

3. Sexual Anorexia. Sexual anorexia may be a new term for many men. A sexual anorexic will actively withhold spiritually, emotionally and sexually from his wife. This is the man who won't pray with his wife and won't share his feelings with her no matter what the pastor preaches, and no matter what is said at the marriage conference he attends. When he has sex with his wife, he is often disconnected.

The characteristics of sexual anorexia include the following: (1) staying so busy that you make no time for your wife; (2) blaming your wife for problems that come up in the marriage without accepting responsibility yourself; (3) withholding affection from your wife; (4) withholding sex from your wife or withholding your heart during a sexual experience; (5) withholding your feelings from your wife; (6) criticizing your wife for no reason; (7) using anger and silence as a way to control your wife within the marriage; (8) controlling or shaming your wife financially.

If you have five or more of the characteristics listed above, you're probably struggling with sexual anorexia. Sexual anorexia can be reinforced if you also have an active sexual addiction. This is treatable, but it will often involve professional help.

4. Sexual Shame. Sexual shame can be a big factor in the diminishing of sexual success. Our sexual past can be riddled with things we are not proud of--things we haven't told anyone else about. You may have engaged in sexual sin with many women, or, you may have manipulated your future wife into premarital sex, which is also sin.

Another area of sexual shame for many men today is sexual performance. Those who struggle with quick climaxes during intercourse often feel sexually unsuccessful. A man may even feel shame about the size of his sexual organ; even though his wife has assured him repeatedly, he continues to carry this sexual shame.

Here's the bottom line: You will not heal without bringing these issues to light. Talk to a professional, talk your doctor, talk to your pastor or a trusted friend, but don't keep these issues to yourself.

If you have identified sexual addiction, sexual abuse, sexual anorexia or sexual shame in your life, I encourage you to take the next step. With God's help you can remove anything that is keeping you from being sexually successful.

By Douglas Weiss, Ph.D., executive director of Heart to Heart Counseling Centers and author of Sex, Men and God: A Godly Man's Road Map to Sexual Success (available at strangdirect.com). Contact him at drdougweiss.com, or 5080 Mark Dabling Blvd., Colorado Springs, CO 80918, or info@drdougweiss.com. Visit his Web site at intimatematters.com.