They’re faster than a speeding infant, more powerful than a toddler tantrum, and able to manage the moodiest of teenagers. They’re superdads and they’re now playing at an American home near you. With names like The Dominator, The Invisible Man and The Defender they seem like a heroic bunch, but look closely and you’ll find that some of these “superdads” are really “superduds.”

 

Take a look at each of these fathers, and decide which one is worthy of the title “Superdad.” And ask yourself if you recognize your fathering style in any one of these models.

 

His kids excel in school and walk the straight and narrow like Bible heroes. His house is in perfect order. He’s the Dominator, and he rules his kingdom with an iron fist. He controls his children’s every action with fear and discipline, handing out severe consequences to anyone who would dare disobey. His family can be seen walking on eggshells around him, and even his own wife caters to his every mood swing.

 

On the outside everything seems to be in control, and for the time being it is. But this “Superdad” is soon to come face to face with some family kryptonite. Though he may be able to maintain order during the early years, history has taught us that the control of dictators doesn’t last. Rebellion waits just around the corner.

 

“It’s basically fear-based parenting,” says Dr. Bill Maier, a psychologist and host of Focus on the Family’s Weekend Magazine radio program. “Their child may comply out of fear, but it’s just an external compliance. They’re not internalizing values so when they get to be teenagers they either rebel or, when they get out of their parents’ home, don’t have a clue.”

 

Maier goes on to explain that because these children have gone along with the program out of fear, they are unable to cope with the many temptations that come along in later years. “They never had a chance to make their own mistakes, to really learn to have freedom and responsibility balanced. So now all of a sudden they go off to a secular university where they are faced with all of these temptations, and they just go nuts.”

 

These fathers feel secure in an atmosphere of control, but children don’t arrive in neat and orderly packages. They are new to the world and are prone to make mistakes and messes. Though consistent discipline is important, these fathers need to learn to meet these messes with compassion and mercy rather than wrath.

 

Deep in the heart of corporate America lurks The Invisible Man. This father’s every waking hour is spent chasing financial and personal fulfillment, and his neglected children are left to fend for themselves. Though he may provide materially, he’s physically and emotionally absent, making this dad a dud.

 

This man’s dreams are exciting, and excitement is what he craves. Urged on by his overwhelmed wife, he occasionally spends time with his children, but his heart isn’t in it. He goes through the motions like a day laborer punching the time clock, and, can’t wait to get back to “what really matters.”

 

Maier describes this dangerous parenting trend. “You have parents, often both parents, working long hours, 40, 50, 60 hours a week, climbing the corporate ladder in order to amass a bunch of toys, a nicer car, a newer house and they’re not spending time with their children. They’re not available.”

 

Roland Warren, president of the National Fatherhood Initiativetalks of children having a hole in the soul in the shape of their dads. “The hole is one that God has put there, and if the dad is unwilling to fill that hole it leaves children susceptible to all kinds of things.”

While The Invisible Man spends his days working on pet projects at home or in the office, his kids are left to battle the pressures of life alone. It’s a battle they seldom win. Current research indicates that kids who do not have a close relationship with their fathers are more likely to smoke, drink, take drugs and be affected by negative peer influence.

 

One day this dad may come to his senses, but by then his kids will have learned to live without him, and it will be extremely difficult to enter back in.

 

Though having goals and dreams is an important part of the male psyche, The Invisible Man fails to realize how short his fathering days are and tragically misses out on one of life’s greatest adventures, raising his children to be men and women of God.

 

Out of a sea of insecurity is born The Defender. This superdad defends his children at all costs, even when they are wrong.

 

Any criticism of his child is an assault against truth, justice, and the American way.Negative comments are viewed as an attack on his ability as a father. When a principal says his son has hit someone, he cries, “self-defense!” When a report card shows an “F,” he proclaims, “Unfair grading policies!”

 

Though this father wishes no harm to befall his child, it is he who ultimately causes the most damage. By deflecting criticism and rescuing his child from natural consequences, the child never learns to accept responsibility for his own actions. In the end, The Defender creates an adult with a victim mentality, one who is not willing to change because life’s problems are always someone else’s fault.

 

Even when an injustice has been done to our children, it’s not always our role as fathers to rescue them. I remember the first time my kindergartner was picked on by another student. I wanted to rush down to the school and demand justice to the fullest extent. Eventually, after calming down, I realized that my son needed to learn how to handle bullies on his own. With a hug and some fatherly advice on how to deal with the issue, I sent him back to school the next day to face the problem on his own. He handled the situation without my help and came home a stronger person.

 

“When your kids are young, you’re carrying them,” Warren says. “Wherever you go they are going. As they get older they’re walking side by side with you holding your hand. As they get a little older they walk ahead of you, looking back to see how they’re doing. As they get even older they run farther. Ultimately, if we want them to have the ability to be productive contributors in life, we have to give them the ability to walk, to run.”

 

All the neighborhood kids think this dad is the “coolest” because he lets his kids get away with murder. He lets mom handle the discipline, as he doesn’t want that to get in the way of his friendship. He’s a buddy to his children, and that’s great; but sometimes a child needs a father not a pal.

 

“It’s the belief that I need to be my kid’s best buddy. What’s most important is I need my child to like me, and I don’t want to do anything that would cause them not to,” explains Focus on the Family’s Maier.

 

We all want to be our child’s friend and rightly so, but when the fathering role is absent from that friendship, problems are sure to follow. “If your primary goal as a parent is to have your child like you, you’re not going to set appropriate limits or boundaries for you child’s behavior and are basically setting them up for failure and frustration in life.”

 

Maier relates. I’ve worn the Buddy Boycapemyself at times. After long days at work, there have been times where the last thing I wanted to do was discipline my kids. I see them for only a few hours each evening, I want those evening hours to be filled with fun.

 

Unfortunately, to the detriment of my kids, I’ve sometimes turned a blind eye to discipline because correction would have spoiled the fun.

 

Building a healthy relationship with our children should be one of our primary goals as fathers, but we need to be far more than friends. We need to be strong leaders who discipline when necessary, upright leaders who know when to turn off an inappropriate DVD, and mature leaders who know when to put on the brakes when childish pranks go too far. A true “superdad” is far more than a friend.

 

There is only one type of father worthy enough to wear the “superdad” suit, and that’s The Servant. This father consistently puts his children’s needs above his own and seeks God’s guidance when using his “superpowers”.

 

There are several reasons why this father stands above the rest: He has learned to rise above self-centeredness, and is able to put his own ambitions aside when called upon to do so.

 

When his son or daughter admits to making a horrible mistake, he responds with compassion rather than condemnation.

 

Rather than repeat the missteps of his own parents, The Servantlooks hard at the way he was raised and makes changes when necessary.

 

When faced with his own inadequacy as a parent, he prays for wisdom because he knows he can’t go it alone.

 

Finally, herealizes that his time as a father will soon pass, and therefore savors every waking hour with his kids.

 

There is no better model for this class of dad than our heavenly Father. He is the King of the universe yet is always accessible. He is our creator, but still calls us “friend.” He is our faithful defender, yet at times allows us to go through pain so we can grow emotionally and spiritually. He is full of compassion and mercy, even when we don’t deserve it, and disciplines us when we go astray.

 

We all fail as fathers from time to time, but if we keep our eyes on this perfect Father we can complete our parenting mission with flying colors and truly become heroes—at least in the eyes of our children, and that’s where it matters most.

 

Alexander Marestaing is a freelance writer and educator based in Southern California. He has written for various media outlets such as The Los Angeles Times and The Walt Disney Company. To comment on the article, or to schedule a speaking engagement, email him at amarestaing@hotmail.com.