Divorce-Proof Your Marriage 

A licensed Christian therapist shares ways to safeguard your relationship from a breakup.

When church leaders call it quits on their marriages, the outcome “culturally sanctions” divorce and “cheapens grace,” says marriage therapist Linda S. Mintle, Ph.D. As outlined in her book Divorce-Proofing Your Marriage (Charisma House), Mintle says Christian couples often split over “fixable problems,” viewing marriage as a contract rather than a covenant, or “unbreakable promise.”

“What have we done with the transforming power of God?” asks Mintle, who’s also a licensed clinical social worker. “We have it for healings and finances but not marriage?”

“God’s power can change difficult situations,” she concludes.

Mintle offers this game plan as a way for Christian leaders to safeguard their marriages and ministries:

Be wise counselors. Leaders need to implement ministry boundaries. Men, in particular, need to be careful “when females, who are vulnerable, are coming in to speak with them,” she says. “Be careful not to do counseling when you’re not trained to, and make sure that your door is open or that another person is present. Avoid even the appearance of evil.”

Resist the power trap. Ministers are not immune to the lure of power that comes with the limelight of ministry. “Everything in the Bible is about humbling yourself and not exalting yourself over God,” she says. “But people are seduced by power, control and sexuality--all of which can lead to marriage problems. It’s wise to have people around who won’t make you vulnerable to these things.”

Break down the barriers. The road to divorce begins with emotional distance and leads to roadblocks of discord that get deeper and wider. “A lot of people tend to get critical of their partner and start thinking, I think I can do better. They become defensive and begin to harbor negative feelings.” At those times, instead of focusing on what that other person isn’t doing, call out to God.

Humbly seek help. When you’re the shoulder others cry on, it’s hard to look for one of your own. “You have to humble yourself,” Mintle says. “People are broken, and it shouldn’t matter who you are. There are lots of organizations that offer help.” Among them is the American Association of Christian Counselors (aacc.net), which provides resources on family and marital stress.

Rest to restore. Some leaders mistakenly believe they have special divine privileges. “It’s as if they say, ‘I can get a divorce, and come back with a new platform,’” she says. “They don’t think that [the divorce] should have any ramifications on their ministries.” Ministers who divorce need a mandatory restoration period of at least two years “to figure out what made [the marriage] go south and then get some help,” and if they return to ministry it must be decided whether they should be “at the same level of leadership,” Mintle says.