“No, really. Order whatever you want,” I told Leslie. We were sitting in an upscale restaurant perusing the menu when she said something about the grilled tuna looking pretty good. “I hope that she’s not being serious,” I thought. “That dish is the most expensive thing on the menu!”

 

In the meekest tone I could manage, I asked “Are you sure you wouldn’t like one of the pasta dishes?” I kept my eyes fixed on the menu as I asked the question, but I could feel Leslie eyeing me to get a read on my unspoken intentions.

 

“Sure, the pasta primavera looks pretty good too,” she said without revealing a twinge of disappointment.

 

Phew! I was in the clear. Then the waiter arrived:

 

“Can I start you off with something to drink?”

 

“Just water for me,” I blurted out, hoping Leslie would follow my lead.

 

“You know,” Leslie told the server, “I think I’ll have an iced tea.”

 

As soon as the waiter was out of earshot, I exclaimed, “ What? Do you know how much that’s going to cost?”

 

“I thought you said to order whatever I wanted,” Leslie replied innocently.

 

I did say that. The problem was I didn’t mean it.

 

Looking back to that time at the restaurant, I now realize that managing your pocketbook without regard for your partner missing the point. It has taken me several years to figure this out, but after counseling many couples and making many mistakes in my own marriage, I think I’m beginning to get a clue.

 

To begin with, I’ve discovered that bridging the gender gap is not the issue. For too long men have erroneously assumed that most women are spenders while we are the sensible savers. Not true.

 

Money matters in marriage have more to do with personal finance style than whether we are male or female. For every marriage where the man is the saver, there is another where the man is the spender. So if you really want to see eye-to-eye with your spouse on financial matters, let’s do away with the stereotypes.

 

Money has always provided plenty of fodder for marital discord. It is, after all, the most common source of conflict between couples. And with good reason.

 

The dollar serves as a weapon of independence. The person who holds the purse strings wields the power. Money also provides a battleground for disputes over responsibility and judgment. Money is also the catalyst for marital conflict because it so often represents the measure of personal success and self-worth—especially for men as compared to women.

 

On a deeper level, financial issues can even be a forum for airing doubts about self-worth. A partner who is financially irresponsible, for example, may be broadcasting a message that says, “rescue me, I need your help.” A spouse’s reluctance to accept gifts may hide a deeper lack of trust. A woman who goes on a spending spree every time her husband becomes cold and withdrawn may be trying to get his attention. The point is that money matters run deep in every marriage and deserve serious attention.

 

“Why do you always make the money decisions?” Leslie asked me.

 

We were standing in the middle of a department store trying to choose a new couch. And it seemed to her that I was controlling the purse strings.

 

“I don’t make the money decisions,” I said, “our bank account does.” That remark was followed by a lengthy whiny discussion—OK, it was a fight—over how we manage, or should manage, our money. Was I in charge or were we in charge? It’s an important question for every man wanting to build a God-honoring marriage and a true partnership with his wife.

 

I don’t know how you would answer that question. Maybe you don’t even know yourself. But what follows are three more questions to help you to clarify your thinking on the subject and solidify your standing with your spouse.

 

1. Do We Talk Openly and Honestly About Money?

“We can talk about almost anything…except money.” It’s a statement I’ve heard from the majority of couples. Money is a touchy subject for many couples. The topic sometimes brings out the worst in people. We become withdrawn, pushy or manipulative. But it doesn’t have to be that way. With the right attitude and an honest agenda, couples can effectively communicate about getting out of debt, spending, giving and investing.

 

If you need a fresh start in talking with your spouse about your financial future, start by discussing your spending styles of the past. How did your childhoods shape your beliefs about money? How were financial decisions made in the home where you grew up? Were money problems discussed openly? This kind of discussion will give you empathy for your partner’s money style and help you to move into discussing how you can each approach money today. What are your spending priorities right now? Are they in sync with each other? Don’t be disturbed if you find that your priorities conflict. The goal is to communicate and eventually compromise, not to evaluate and judge.

 

2. Have We Learned to Fight Fair When It Come to Money?

As I’ve already said, money is the number one thing couples fight about. Since financial decision have to be made almost daily, it’s a continual source of potential conflict. That’s why it is critical for every couple to fight a good fight in this area. If you are struggling to do so, here is my primary suggestion: Never work through money problems while one of you is angry. Instead, schedule some time after both of you have cooled off a bit. This simple suggestion can save you endless hours of fruitless fighting. Believe me, nothing is accomplished by talking about the heated topic of money when one of you is already in emotional overdrive.

 

One more thing, if you still find yourself in a stalemate over a money issue—fighting more and compromising less—then consider consulting an objective third party who is trained in dealing with financial and communication issues. Getting this issue resolved is worth the effort. It just might save your marriage.

 

3. Have I Protected Myself Against the Mistress of Money?

The Bible contains numerous secrets to financial success in marriage. And one of the best secrets is found in the book of Proverbs. It has to do with recognizing money’s power. You see, money is very alluring and deceiving. And when our greed is seduced by money’s enticement, it becomes a mistress. Paul saw this fact when he observed that “the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil” (1 Tim. 6:10, NIV).

 

Every marriage must be protected against greed and self-centered consumerism. And one of the best ways to do this is to give money away. That’s right, give it away! Proverbs 3:9 urges us to do so: “Honor the Lord with your wealth, with the first fruits of all your crops.” God has given us all we have. And by giving a portion of what He has given back to Him, we free ourselves from its tyranny.

 

The Bible calls us to profane the god of money by giving it away. And to do that, we must take Christ’s famous exhortation and apply it to our checkbooks: “Where your treasure is,” Jesus said, “there your heart will be also” (Matt. 6:21). The point is that money holds invisible spiritual powers that can tear at the fabric of your marriage. That’s why it is critically important to protect yourself against its allure.