Answer: An intrusive thought every now and then isn't cause for alarm. During sex, it's possible for you to have thoughts about nonsexual things as well as thoughts about people. But if these thoughts regularly invade your lovemaking and include beautiful women who talk dirty to you, then you may have a problem.

 

Unfortunately, many men have conditioned themselves in adolescence with airbrushed, fantasy babes who only look like real people. If you are lusting and objectifying women throughout the day, then you are more likely to also struggle in this area in the bedroom. You need to recondition your brain.

 

You can actually redirect your brain's chemical pathways by placing a rubber band on your wrist and snapping it every time you objectify a woman. This way, you'll stop "rewarding" your brain for lusting, and it will begin to connect the lustful thoughts with the "ouch" pain rather than pleasure. In my many years of counseling men in this area, I've seen this exercise successfully shut down more than 80 percent of lustful thoughts or fantasies within one month!

 

If a sexual thought hits you during sex with your wife, open your eyes and start talking to her. If you're looking at her and talking to her (not talking dirty, but lovingly), you'll simply run out of RAM to do all that and keep a fantasy going too. Again, if these intrusive thoughts are very infrequent, don't worry too much--that'll just make it worse. But if this is a regular occurrence, get accountability or talk to a counselor.

 

By Doug Weiss, Ph.D., founder of Heart to Heart Counseling Center and author of The Seven Love Agreements, which explains the power of unity in marriage and outlines seven “love agreements” that will revitalize relationships (available at strangdirect.com). Contact him at drdougweiss.com, info@drdougweiss.com or 5080 Mark Dabling Blvd., Colorado Springs, CO 80918. Visit his Web site at intimatematters.com.