Can My Wife Initiate Sex?

Question: How can I let my wife know that I like it when SHE gets things going? It gets a little tiring to have to light the fire every time.

Answer: Having sex initiated is important to a man. It makes us feel desired, wanted and handsome.

Tell your spouse how it makes you feel when she does this. Let her know that when she says, "Hey, Baby, want to make love?" that what you're hearing from her is, "You're wanted, you're handsome, and you're important to me."

You may need to explain it to her in a way that she can understand. Try this: "You know the other day when I took the kids for breakfast, went grocery shopping, picked up the dry cleaning, put the laundry away and picked up the kitchen all by 10:30 a.m. How did you feel? Loved? Cherished? That's how I feel when you ask me for sex."

Ultimately, she must embrace the truth that she is free in Christ to express herself sexually. She can learn this, but trust me, she's not going to learn it from you. She might suspect your motives. It's kind of like when a pastor speaks on tithing; he's probably pure-hearted, but you may question his "real" motives.

There are plenty of good, Christian books/videos out there that can help her to embrace this truth. (I have a DVD called The Best Sex of Your Life—for Women Only, which she may find beneficial.)

Talk to her about mutually initiating sexuality. After all, if you can fold laundry and change diapers as a modern-day man, then she can ask you for sex as a modern-day woman. If she knows what initiating sex does for your heart, not just your body, she may be more willing to try.

By Doug Weiss, Ph.D., founder of Heart to Heart Counseling Center and author of The Seven Love Agreements, which explains the power of unity in marriage and outlines seven “love agreements” that will revitalize relationships (available at strangdirect.com). Contact him at drdougweiss.com, info@drdougweiss.com or 5080 Mark Dabling Blvd., Colorado Springs, CO 80918. Visit his Web site at intimatematters.com.