Answer: I am frequently asked this question at conferences. First, you have to consider where the desire started. If you engaged in oral sex or any type of sex acts prior to marriage, then those sexual acts were sin. This is why God doesn't want us fooling around before marriage. You may have tasted sexual fruit from another garden that is currently not in your marital garden, and now you are frustrated.

 

If you masturbated to oral sex fantasies or pornography in your past, that would be sin as well. You have reinforced an oral sex desire with chemicals that are released in your brain at the point of sexual climax. That's why 1 Corinthians 6:18 states that we sin against our bodies when we sin sexually.

 

So, if this is the genesis of your desire for oral sex, then your frustration is a result of your sin, not your wife's reluctance. She is NOT obligated to fulfill sexual desires that evolved from a sinful past.

 

On the other hand, if you lovingly discuss this issue together, and you and your wife mutually enjoy a sex act, then you are in agreement. But in your case, where one spouse is not willing or desiring a sexual behavior, you would be wrong to continue to insist on this behavior. Maybe one day she will change her mind, but it's never a good idea to force the issue.

 

By Doug Weiss, Ph.D., founder of Heart to Heart Counseling Center and author of The Seven Love Agreements, which explains the power of unity in marriage and outlines seven “love agreements” that will revitalize relationships (available at strangdirect.com). Contact him at drdougweiss.com, info@drdougweiss.com or 5080 Mark Dabling Blvd., Colorado Springs, CO 80918. Visit his Web site at intimatematters.com.