Welcome to New Man Magazine

Dad, Can We Talk?
I'll always remember the time my stepfather tried to talk to me about sex. Our conversation was under 30 seconds, and it went like this: "Doug, keep it in your pants."

As I travel around the country doing conferences, I frequently ask men, "How many of you have had more than a three-minute sex talk with your dads?" Usually, about 3 percent of the men in the audience raise their hands.

That means more than 97 percent of men in the church were not told much, if anything at all, about sex! That's too bad, because we live in tempting times.

Young men today will see as many as 15-17 sexual innuendoes per hour on prime-time television--with more than 100 channels to choose from. Then there's the Internet, which is like being wired to the world's largest porn shop.

Research shows us that, for the majority of young men, most of their ideas about sex come from popular culture--not the church, or, more importantly, their fathers. Get the picture? It's time you had a talk with your son.

So when should you have that talk? This is somewhat different for every boy; like shaving, we all get there at different times. But generally, by 13 or 14 you need to sit down and have a conversation with your son about his sexuality.

For too long, boys in the church have been totally isolated during their sexual development, having to lean on the world for their sex education.

Many of the men I treat with serious sexual addictions have never had a sex talk with their fathers. Think about it: You can actually change the course of your son's sexual destination by courageously and candidly talking to him about his sexuality. It is not the youth pastor's job to talk to your son; it's yours!

Now, lets cover a few things to help you with this task of shepherding your son sexually.

The first thing is shifting paradigms from having "the talk" which seems to refer to a one-time experience to a paradigm of shepherding or discipleship. One sex talk will not equip your son, but an ongoing dialogue about his sexuality will.

Make the first discussion a special time with Dad. Some men have even taken their sons away for the weekend just to begin this dialogue.

Tell him that these discussions are part of becoming a man, and communicate God's perspective on sex as you understand it. A good way to practice this is to role-play with your friend or pastor.

The topics that need to be covered are more than basic "thou shalt nots." If you focus just on what he can't do until he is married, he will think sex is just external and neglect his internal sexuality--his thoughts, his fantasies.

Make sure you cover the issue of lust in your discussions. Be honest about your own struggles. Also, make sure you talk about wet dreams and why they happen so he doesn't think he is "leaking" for no reason.

Definitely cover some of the issues of sexually transmitted diseases tactfully. Never forget to talk about the risk and responsibility of pregnancy. Be sure to tell him that condoms can and do fail, and that they are no guarantee against pregnancy or disease.

Then there's the whole issue of masturbation, which needs to be addressed directly. You can't project on him your lustful, bad experiences. At the same time, you can't presume it's just normal adolescent exploration. He may be using fantasy--or worse, pornography.

Don't shame him for masturbating. (You don't need to encourage him, either.) But tell him that it is never OK to use pornography or fantasy. Period.

This is where you need to be brave. Do not presume he will not masturbate. I have only met 11 men in America so far who have this testimony. (If you've never masturbated, then maybe he has a gene-pool chance at becoming number 12, but don't count on it.)

Remember, this is an ongoing father-son issue. I encourage men to have a short sex check-in discussion about these issues once a month. If you start early enough and are consistent, you can help your son be not only sexually secure, but also sexually healthy.

Your son is already saying, "Dad, can we talk?" So what's the answer?

By Doug Weiss, Ph.D., an expert in sexual-addiction recovery and author of the video Shepherding Your Son Sexually, which can be found at sexaddict.com. Contact him at drdougweiss.com, info@drdougweiss.com or 5080 Mark Dabling Blvd., Colorado Springs, CO 80918. Visit his Web site at intimatematters.com.