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Passion As God Intended
If men and women were created to be
compatible sexually, why do we have so many sex problems in
marriage today? After working for 20 years as sexual therapists,
the answer to that question becomes clearer to us each
day.
The enemy of our souls will do
whatever he can to distort sex and rob the beauty from it. He
knows that a God-breathed view of sex is a threat to his domain.
One thing is clear: to understand and experience sex as God
intended can reveal amazing clues about spiritual truth. And the
converse is true: to understand spiritual truth will send the
sexual relationship into orbit.
But few people enjoy out-of-this-world
sex. Why? Because few men understand what it means to love their
wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her.
Ephesians 5 reads, “Husbands, go all out in your love
for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a
love marked by giving, not getting” (
The Message, emphasis ours.)
Giving. It is a key word for great
sex. As the husband moves in the direction of his
wife’s needs, he will discover greater love, passion
and intimacy in his sex life. Let’s look at 10 specific
ways to give your lover.
1. Give of yourself rather than claim
your rights. Scripture tells spouses to give their bodies to each
other for mutual pleasure and enjoyment. This command is for the
giver to give his/her body, not for the getter to demand his/her
rights.
The Message, Eugene’s Peterson’s
paraphrase of the Bible, has a beautiful expression of this
passage: “The marriage bed must be a of
mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the
wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to
‘stand up for up for your rights.’ Marriage
is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or
out” (1 Cor. 7:3-5).
2. Go for enjoying rather than
scoring. If you like sports, you like your team to
win—and you like to win. You learned early in life to
be in the game for the score. You probably feel the same way when
you have sex with your wife: you want to be a winner. Rather than
enjoying her body like you would enjoy a Boston Philharmonic
concert with its crescendos and decrescendos, you go for the
goal!
Your wife’s responses are
the scores you make. The faster and more often you get a
response, the higher your score and the more your excitement
builds. You go for the hot spots. If she doesn’t
respond, you get tense and rub harder. You get frustrated when
something does not work like it should. After all, if you were a
real man, you bring her to orgasm, or more than one orgasm,
during intercourse. If you can’t, you see yourself as a
loser.
Now hear this: Sex is not about
conquering, achieving or scoring. Sex is about relating. No woman
wants to be a conquest, a goal achieved or a win scored.
Results-oriented sex leads to pressure, demand,
self-consciousness and detachment from the good feelings of the
moment.
Try something new. Enjoy the process.
As you focus on mutual pleasure rather than response, you will
discover a deeper ecstasy than you ever anticipated.
3. Affirm rather than pursue. Now,
let’s learn something from the greatest lover of all
time: King Solomon. Read through the erotic poetry of the Song of
Solomon to find the model of how sex works best between a husband
and wife.
First, King Solomon
adores her: “You are altogether beautiful, my
darling, and there is no blemish in you” (Song 4:7,
NASB).
Next,
she invites him: “Awake, O north wind, and
come, and come wind of the south…may my beloved come
into his garden…” (4:16).
Then,
he responds: “I have come into my garden, my
sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh…I have eaten
my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine with my
milk” (5:1).
Remember this order next time you are
together: First, the husband adores his wife, then his
affirmation ignites her passion,
then her invitation validates him, and he
responds.
4. Negotiate differences rather than
expect similarities. Along with Henry Higgins in
My Fair Lady, you may have wondered,
Why can’t a woman be more like a man? It
certainly would make sex easier.
But it’s the ever-changing
complexity of the woman that keeps sex interesting. Think how
boring sex would get if women were as predictable and easy as
men. We are convinced that the combination of male constancy and
ever-changing, complex femininity is the key to keeping sex alive
in marriage.
As you allow your wife to listen to
her complex sexuality and you listen to her, you both win. You
need to free her to take—to take in touch, pleasure,
arousal and passion.
Her ability to know what her body
hungers for and invite what she needs will work best when you are
able to keep your pace lagging behind her pace and allow her to
lead in both sexual activity and intensity. Learn how to respect
her complexity and make your differences work for you.
5. Plan rather than wait for
spontaneity. For some couple, unplanned sex and
“quickies” are fine. But for most couple, the
anticipation of being together builds quality, while having
longer time together increases quantity.
Quickies can be fine for variety, but
make sure your wife is ready. And make sure you also have quality
events that are planned for a time when neither of you is
fatigued or rushed and both can pursue pleasure without
demand.
An occasional smorgasbord is fun. Each
of you can take turns asking for exactly what you’d
like in a sexual experience. The only boundary is that no
activity is to violate or be negative for either.
Bottom line: give your love life some
variety.
6. Express yourself rather than
question her. This advice may surprise you. “Was that
good for you, honey?” or “Are you feeling
anything?” or “What about tonight?”
would be best replaced with, “Wow, did I enjoy you
tonight!” or “I love touching you
there,” or “I’d like to play
tonight.”
Questions can provoke defensiveness.
But expressing yourself opens a sense of freedom for her to
express herself. Together you will find new ease.
7. Delight in her rather than watch
her response. Sex is not a spectator sport! Watching for how well
you are doing producing a response in your wife rather than
delighting in the enjoyment of her body for the sake of the
pleasure it brings you will interfere with both the pleasure and
the result. Remember, watching is demanding, and demands
inhibit.
8. Do not bring anger, shame, control,
and guilt into the bedroom. When negative emotions are allowed in
the bedroom, sex becomes encumbered with conflict and
despair.
Some men bring anger into their
marriage because they resent how their mother treated their
father. Others take their anger with their wife to the marriage
bed. All types of shame and guilt can also keep men from pursuing
passion with their wife.
And some men have a need for control,
which interferes with the sexual relationship. It may be that
when she approaches him sexually, he cannot
respond—while at the same time he complains because she
doesn’t want sex as often as he does.
Work out your emotional issues outside
the bedroom and at a time totally removed from your sexual
experience.
9. Create erotic adventures with your
wife rather than look for passion elsewhere. If you are looking
for some erotic spark in your life, the best place to look is at
home. It does not matter how long you’ve been married;
you can have an erotic relationship. But a deeper and fulfilling
passion is a lifelong possibility that must be nurtured.
How do you add passion to your
marriage? Plan something new, take risks, have secrets with each
other, plan special times together, entice her.
10. Work to keep sex fun rather a
routine. Is sex to be work or fun? Sex is to be fun, but
it’s a lot more fun when you work at it. When you think
about sex, plan for sex, talk about your sexual likes and
dislikes, learn about sex, practice new techniques, negotiate
your differences, and keep changing—sex will be
fun!
You will laugh together, have fun
experimenting and enjoy surprising each other. Use a little shock
to tap new passionate energy, give her treats, tease kindly,
pleasure continuously, resist playfully and create new additions
to your love life.
Bless you fresh-flowing fountain!
Enjoy the wife you married as a young man!
Lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose-
Don’t ever quit taking delight in her body.
Never take her for granted!
(Prov. 5:18-19,
The Message)
By Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner, who
are internationally recognized sexual therapists and
educators.
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