I was a Bible college student, active church member and adulterer—all at the same time. Now, years after breaking away from a life of bondage and secrets, I am free—and 52 years old.

 

Born, raised and saved in a Baptist family, I dreamed of the day I could write Christian literature and teach big Sunday school classes. In 1963, I married Gloria, a beautiful young woman completely devoted to God and me. By 1970, we had two children and I was enrolled in a Christian college to study journalism and Bible. Besides my school load, I worked almost full time while packing into my schedule as much outreach as possible.

 

Without my realizing it, my endless studying, working and four house of sleep a night were taking a toll on my marriage and my own resolve to live a pure life.

 

In the summer of 1972, my family left the state for a three-week vacation while I stayed home to work. One day, a couple invited me to their home for lunch. The husband left after lunch for work, but I lingered to visit with his wife. We talked a while and when I headed for the door, she touched me and smiled. I couldn’t resist her sexual signals and an overwhelming surge of adrenaline shot through me. I was caught off-guard with nobody around and nothing to do, and it led to my first act of adultery.

 

Afterward, I didn’t allow the guilt over what I had done to take hold of me. I ignored the seriousness of it, prayed a private prayer of forgiveness and tried to forget it ever happened.

 

My act of adultery opened the door to more lust, more chases and then adultery once again—still as a Bible college student! I finished college carrying two secrets: the affairs and a sense of tremendous failure. I couldn’t ignore the nagging sense of guilt, the feeling of being a “dirty vessel.” Even so, I couldn’t reveal my secret.

 

My life of adultery laid dormant from 1972 to 1983, as I focused on church activities, family and baseball games. Even so, my secrets took a toll on our marriage. All my wife could do is wonder why we were drifting apart.

 

In 1983, I moved the family to Texas and took a job as a waiter. The atmosphere at work captivated me as I watched men and women play games with each other, their inhibitions lowered by alcohol. Soon I was staying late after work and lingering with sexually active women.

 

My family was most often asleep when I arrived home at night. At first I would spend an extra hour away from home, but the occasions became more frequent, the hours longer, the inhibitions lower, the conversations looser. Then I was invited to a woman’s apartment and I succumbed to the urge to go. I was back into adultery.

 

I told myself it would be the only time, but more times and more women followed—for eight long years. My failures only fueled more failures as I thought, “What difference does it make now? I have already become useless to God because of what I’ve done.” I tossed away all values and integrity just as my new circle of friends had done.

 

More than once I came home at sunrise. When Gloria demanded to know what I was doing, my standard answer was “just driving around thinking.” I came up with some other pretty big whoppers too.

 

My lies became a tangled web as I hedged about my income and justified the money I had wasted, blatantly lying about what I was doing.

 

All the while I continued my home, family, work and church routines. I even taught a Sunday school class of young adults, but I was only going through the motions. My personal spiritual life and activity was nothing but flimflam, based on old, cold memories. I was living a lie.

 

I tried praying and confessing. I made overtures about stopping but my crazy sexual thirst was consuming most of my thoughts, burdening me with chores of sin. At the same time, I doggedly kept my secrets and hoped that I didn’t talk in my sleep. I was exhausted and lonely. But since I had no integrity, I wilted every time I was tempted.

 

With Christian friends my conversation was guarded, filled with one-liners and jokes, but void of any depth. Watching other couples interact with their smiles, friendliness, confidence and godliness stung deeply. “What have I done to my marriage?” I thought. “We’re not one anymore.” The laughter and fun was gone. If only we could be like we used to be: free and whole.

 

Friends, family and pastors confronted me directly on Gloria’s behalf, but I stonewalled them or turned the blame onto her. Or my job. Or my kids. Being found out was my greatest fear. I only cared about protecting my secrecy and my pride.

 

I knew that some of the thoughts in my mind were planted by Satan or his demons: “Well you’ve gone this far. There’s no sense stopping now, especially since you’ve figured out how to cover your tracks.” Or Satan would convince me I was the only Christian ever stuck in such a situation; that my friends, family and church would desert me.

 

Then came the absolute lowest point in my life: I infected my beautiful wife with sexually transmitted disease. Nothing has ever been as shameful to me.

 

After that, I panicked. I crazily made a vain attempt to accuse her of infidelity or poor hygiene. The most incredible thing was my wife’s undying commitment to our marriage. She didn’t waver in her devotion to me. She privately prayed, “Lord God, make what is done in darkness be brought to light.”

 

God honored Gloria and showed her the truth. She found me embracing another woman in the parking lot of a nightclub. But even then—in the arms of another woman and infected with disease—I didn’t confess to any wrongdoing. “She’s just a friend,” I tried to say.

 

In April 1990, Gloria gave me two options: a marriage counselor or a divorce lawyer. I decided to go to a counselor with her. We went to an assistant pastor at church. Normally a kind and laid-back man, he was tough and relentless with me. Immediately he saw through my web of lies and settled for nothing less than the truth.

 

Later, meeting privately with the pastor, I heard myself say, “I’ve been womanizing for several years,” and at that moment I felt my will break and my body slump. I nearly vomited with relief. Later, alone with Gloria I confessed to the sexual sins, to all the lying and cover-ups. For an hour I babbled and bawled, spewing out words unchecked. The relief from speaking the truth was incredible.

 

Gloria’s turn was yet to come. I still had consequences to face. I wondered, “Is she going to kick me out? What will I tell people if she does? Where will I stay?” But then, as I felt the death rattle of my marriage, Gloria said to me, “I’m going to forgive you.”

 

Her words stunned me so much that I didn’t eat for two days. Hearing those words, I caught a glimpse of Jesus. It’s hard to explain, but in that thunderous moment I saw a picture of peace and grace as I looked at Gloria.

 

Gloria, too, felt relief because she knew what she was dealing with, and that the end of our trouble was near. We continued with our weekly sessions.

 

How pure and positive is God’s attention to us. Even today God continues to heal our marriage. It isn’t without trials and frustrations, but it’s great. Once in a while I’ll remember something new and I’ll tell Gloria. I don’t want any more skeletons in the closet.

 

The sweetest thing has been the freedom. No longer am I captive to those lies. And most exciting is the opening of my mind: an adventure in God’s Word unlike anything I knew before. The first thing I learned was the He’s eager to restore our fellowship with Him. I only hope that other men like me will respond more quickly to His invitation.

 

I look at King David and see how God restored him and gave him the smartest child who ever lived. Apostle Peter denied Christ, but he later founded the Christian church. There’s hope for me!

 

I can’t guarantee that every wife will respond as well as mine did, but I do know that, in the end, God honors a man of integrity and purity. I ran from the Lord, but He cheerfully restored me.

 

Maybe you are thrashing around in a secret cocoon of self-imposed doom, doubt, confusion, regret, depression or guilt. Once wanting to vigorously serve the Lord, maybe you fell to immorality and quit your pursuit of God’s promises for your life. But you have no right to quit! When you confessed Jesus as Savior and Lord, you gave up the right to quit. You are still God’s treasured possession. Even if you drift far away from Him, God is ready to restore you—and use you.

 

He made me a free man—and He’ll do the same for you.